Worth it or not: Living
February 3rd, 2025
I have been readily avoiding writing anything today. There are such days that exist where my entire body feels the weight of anxiety and self-loathing. I think it builds up all throughout the week, through small moments and thoughts that pass by. I never know how long the build up will be or how long I will feel it. That crushing weight does not ever leave, it can’t. A favorite song of mine carries a name that rings in my head constantly, trying to decipher its sincerity. “No Cure for the Lonely” by the Swans. A beautiful song, one of my favorites, detailing the burden carried by people who feel that intense contempt for themselves, that covers their soul with a blanket of thorns. It discusses the love a man felt for a woman, that despite that love and affection, the unbearable weight inevitably took its toll. As he says “But it always goes wrong, there’s no cure for the lonely.”
An understand that I have tried to grasp is the incurable disease, the lifelong struggle of anxiety and depression. I had a talk with a beautiful soul about their depression, in which they said “I’m waiting for it to go away, I hope”. And it broke my heart. Is it something that can go away, is it something worth living with, is it something that can be lived with? Hearing them say that, hearing anyone talk about the horrific experience of depression, it shatters the soul. Because all you could ever want is to lift that weight, and tell them that it can be cured. Tell them that it does not last forever. But it does, it does last forever, the great punishment of the universe for people like me and them, is that we have to learn to live with it.
While this feeling crushed my heart, I made the executive decision to see the world. I took a midnight stroll outside to see the stars, the city, the moon. It is so hard to live, it is a mental battle with myself, deciphering what is worthy and what is not. Deciding if today is a day I deserve to see the sun, a day I deserve to love and live. More often than not, I do not believe I deserve it. And yet I keep living, because there is enough space for me to live even if I struggle. The life I have lived and have yet to love will lighten the load, the people I have met and have yet to meet, will make the pain worth something. Even if it is not worth it, even if this is all a futile attempt at life, even if it is all meaningless, I refuse to not see it through. Who cares if nothing matters, you know what they say. Dance like nothing matters.
Song of the day:
Two Cute Friends .com 